I would love to say that my personal business has been enough to sustain my financial life. It hasn’t. Someday it will. I am excited for when it does.
From time-to-time since launching 3 years ago, I’ve had to supplement my income with more traditional working arrangements. The most recent, I started at the end of September.
I remember when I started at Expedia back in 2011, I met a woman who referred to herself as a boomerang - meaning she had worked for Expedia before, left the company and then returned.
While I didn’t boomerang back to the same company, I did boomerang back to essentially the same role in the same industry. The bonus is that it’s familiar, there’s not too much “new” that I have to sort out. The downside is, it’s familiar and there isn’t too much “new” that I have to sort out.
The double-edged sword of the choices we make is that often times they give us something we want and take away something else we wish we could have.
In this instance, I got something that was relatively easy lifting so I’d still have the time, energy and motivation to run my own business. The challenge in this for me is that I love growing and learning new things so the motivation to stay excited about something that’s contributing only financial balance and stability is challenging.
Money no longer makes me do the things it used to. Since I’ve been working on my “Money Story” for a few years now, this is a HUGE win. The story is also not completely rewritten and there’s some old/deep habits that are coming to the surface to haunt me in new ways.
Lately, all of this has been incredibly overwhelming. Add my puppy love to the mix and I’ve been stressed and sad, to say the least.
I have a few incredibly remarkable people in my life and I’m blessed that I do. As is typical, I have different levels of intimacy in conversation with each of them and fewer still that know the depths of me and my life stories. One of these special people I lovingly refer to as my pen pal. This human knows so much about me in so many ways, loves me regardless and is always willing and open to read what I have to share, as am I, in our exchanges.
We write novels to one another.
The advice is so sage. The freedom to express any and all thoughts is foundational to this exchange and has been from day one.
No judgement, no fear and a whole lot of fierce love goes back and forth between me and this incredible friend, all via email. We don’t talk on the phone. We don’t text about the little things in life. We live a few thousand miles away from one another, so in-person visits are not a thing.
To our heart's content.
Without requirement or response required. It’s a beautiful thing.
So with the boomerang and my puppy love all merging together over the course of the last few months, I asked about starting up our writing relationship again this week. It’s been about a year since our last exchange, perhaps longer.
I always like to check on the readiness of someone to accept the responsibility of holding sacred space for me. It’s important that we are both “in”. I was overcome with gratitude as I was welcomed back with open arms.
And, in my first message, as I opened up the floodgates of my emotions and processing this thing called life, I got back one of the smartest pieces of advice that time and time again I have a tendency to forget: the power of patience and the importance of divine timing.
I believe whole-heartedly that we are where we are because we are supposed to be (t)here. A lesson needs to be learned, there’s some growth that’s happening and/or the universe has us where it wants us because we are there to serve someone else. As soon as the need has been met or the lesson learned; we’re catapulted out and onto the next.
I’ve been boomeranged “back” and the transition has been tough. I’m still feeling exceptionally hollow from my recent loss. I haven’t yet explored the full depth of my grief. It seems too vast and, to be candid, I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of what happens if I dive deep into my sadness. I’m afraid of how it will change me. I also know that it is unavoidable.
Hence, my pen pal becomes my lighthouse in the darkness. An unmoving, unwavering, steadiness that I can lock onto as I go layer, upon layer deeper through the emotions that are picking at me as if I were walking through a wall of blackberry bushes.
Because I know I have to move through it. I’ve only ever come out better off on the other side, slightly more raw for certain however, what needs to be healed is more clear.
I’m blessed to have this person. I’m blessed to have this blog. I’m blessed I live in a time when I can instantly send someone something when I need them, and they can instantly respond. (All this instantaneousness is a pretty good reason to explain why I keep forgetting about the value of patience).
I am blessed to have those who are courageous enough to hold me while I go deep and to remind me that patience is not just something I need to extend to others; it’s something I need to give myself.
I think my mom used to say it best: “Lani. Deep breath. All things in due time.”