The Starting Point

Being disappointed is a difficult emotion. I witnessed it in my daughters this weekend a few times and I noticed it in myself. For me personally, it was pervasive. The disappointment was specifically with myself.

There are so many ways that I doubt and question myself on a regular basis and it’s taking on a pattern I’m beginning to recognize. I feel it right after something really good happens to me.

After an incredible weekend hosting an amazing girlfriend, capped off by meeting a remarkable collection of women at a casual BBQ hosted by a dear friend, I felt the familiar creep of self-doubt followed by disappointment.

I can’t tell you which feeling is worse; they both suck.

With each of these amazing women, in every circumstance, one-on-one or one-on-many, I was reminded of my gifts, of who I am and of why I do what I do. In front of each of them I was strong, capable and confident. The talented woman I know myself to be.

As I stepped into the “after” is when all of the caustic chatter started.

I’ve just began reading the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. In it, he talks about what he calls the Upper Limit Problem. Where we get to a maximum capacity for happiness, money, success etc. and then we purposely bring ourselves back down in a self-sabotaging sort of way.

My triggers are these: when I feel the fullness of my power and capabilities and when someone wants to pay me for what I do. The last one is especially dangerous given my status as an entrepreneur.

In response to my triggers, I have two ways I self-sabotage. The first is verbal abuse. I attack myself with words of inadequacy. The second is external and comes from a bottle; I drink too much.

There’s been more shame in my life attached to alcohol and drinking than I would like to admit.

I spent the last two years rebuilding my life and recreating myself. In the first year, knowing my personal challenges, I stopped drinking completely. 391 days to be exact. It’s when all of my intuitive skills became known to me and developed rapidly. With the recent transitions going on in my life I’ve been careful, but not as careful as I want to be and it’s time to dry out again, maybe this time for good.

I wrestle with the idea of failing to have complete control over myself and my actions. I don’t know where the lack comes from and it’s a source frustration that I can’t sort out. I just know it’s getting old and I’m tired of it. And this, the ability to recognize and accept how I feel in this present moment is the key.

Accepting and admitting where you are is the most important part of any journey.

You can’t map a path to your destination without first being able to identify where you are.
So here I am, tired, frustrated and open to the path forward. I know I will find it, I always do.

Trust is critical. Patience is too. But, you won’t get anywhere unless you know where you’re starting from.