Lost

I lost something recently.

It’s something I’ve had my whole life and suddenly it feels as if it’s just gone up in smoke.

I’ve never really, truly gone without it until this whole self discovery adventure. The last 2 years I redefined my life and what I do for a living because my last life didn’t feel like me.  

The result? I created a life I love and lost my self confidence somewhere along the way.

It started off slowly. At first it was just a few bits of nervousness. I mean who walks away from a corporate career to start a business as a single mom of two without self confidence?

Then there was the whole Desire Map Licensing path. I love Danielle LaPorte and her books and I truly loved being a licensee, it was very clear early on however, that hustling to fill workshops wasn’t my cup of tea: scheduling, flyers, ads on Facebook and crickets. My license was good for a year. I gave it up 24 days ago.

That brought on a brand refresh and a new workshop idea. I created the whole thing from scratch. This one was scheduled to be a retreat. I booked the location, created better ads, started spreading the word, good lead time, great hooks and catch phrases.

More crickets.

I created another new piece, focused on something I could deliver in short order, a 45-60 minute seminar with the capacity to expand into something deeper.  This one: Finding Your Zone of Genius, moved the needle and ushered in a dream come true.

I’m still praying it wasn’t a one-hit wonder.

I’ve had a huge outpouring of support from a ton of friends I love and admire. Everyone is cheering me on. Rooting for me. Helping with connections and leads. I’m so deeply grateful.

I still feel like my feet are in cement boots.

Frankly, I’m hoping talking about it breaks a few bits loose.

Inspired by Timothy Ferriss's 4 Hour Work Week, I thought maybe I needed to take on a different kind of risk. What if I could get over my fear of dating? Then maybe I could make headway on my business. Both are about vulnerability so in theory, this made sense.

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now and I still haven’t dated. With this theory in mind, I signed up for an online dating site. It’s been three weeks.

I might have to buy an iguana to eat all these crickets.

Not all hope is lost; I did get some amazing personal compliments recently - they just happened to all come from women and gay men.

Here’s another layer of this whole thing; I’m running out of time to hide.

Feet in cement and an hourglass ticking away the hours to allow me to stand still.  What do you do?

A dear friend sent me an article recently from Upworthy about Imposter Syndrome and its connectivity to our effort and the equivalent perceived value when things are “easy”. It had two suggestions to move forward when battling fear: create value and share it.

Maybe it’s Imposter Syndrome - that resonates. Maybe, like the DM License, I’m still barking up the wrong tree. I did however just wrap up a successful Self-Discovery Program with 13 participants. That felt amazing and I’m ready for more. So maybe the ball is starting a slow roll.

The future remains to be seen. I’ll keep searching for my lost confidence.

In the meantime; I’ll wrap up preparations for my discussion of Superwoman: Fact or Myth on Wednesday when I’ll be a panelist at the National Diversity Council’s WA Women’s Conference.

That’s definitely the opposite of “hiding out” and I have a champion team of support to thank for this gem.

My mother always said “When it doubt, just be you.”

And here I am.