a few words on things we don't understand
I was awaken in the middle of the night by my youngest daughter somewhere around 2 AM telling me that she was afraid. Of what, she didn’t know.
Eventually it was spiders. She asked for her Dad (we’re divorced so not an option), a hug and a kiss but couldn’t calm down. As these things sometimes happen, it’s the night before a big event for me and sleep is important. I was tired, frustrated and couldn’t “fix” her problem so after a full hour of suggestions and ideas focused on ways to help her find calm, we settled on her sleeping in my room.
Then, as she fell quickly back to sleep, I started to recite my keynote speech in my head.
It was 3:40 in the morning the last time I checked the clock. The next three hours before my alarm went off felt like five minutes and my day started with my body feeling a bit like I was hit by a Mack truck. Lack of sleep does this to me as does a significant amount of energy work.
Because of the election, I’d been actively protecting myself energetically all evening. I’m an empath, which essentially means I feel my way through the world and on the night where my country’s energy (and dare I say the world) is focused on the same thing, my energies were spent making sure I was not channeling all of their feelings through my body.
I remember somewhere in the middle of the night starting to feel the pressure of being awake and needing sleep, falling down that slippery slope of blaming my daughter for her dreams (not something she knows how to actively control yet) and getting frustrated with my mind for not calming itself as my usual go-to sleep remedies failed me.
The anxiety creeping in.
I also remember Olivia Fox Cabane’s book The Charisma Myth where she tells of a similar night she had in a similar situation. Her remedy was to write down why this was the best possible thing that could happen to her. Not wanting to disturb my finally-sleeping-again daughter, I left the lights off and started to concentrate on why not sleeping was a good thing.
I don’t know, at this moment, why on the night before a big event my daughter had a scary dream that required my intervention for over an hour and disrupted my sleep pattern. I know a bit more about why my brain went haywire afterwards and it was difficult for me to calm down and sleep again.
I do however, have complete faith, that in a way I don’t quite comprehend, it’s exactly what needed to happen.
A long time ago I put my trust in things that are meant to be.
Not without a lack of control, or influence, mind you, but with full knowledge that some things are out of my control and that I have two basic and fundamental choices.
The first is to fight “it” (whatever "it" is) and be angry about it and all of the ways that it is “wrong” or “inconvenient”. The second is to accept “it” with grace and to trust that it makes sense in the broader scheme of things.
When I look back on my life and put all of the pieces together, it’s never failed to amaze me how something that shook me up, lead to one of the greatest leaps in my personal development or the most wonderful discoveries of my life.
This is the way I choose to absorb and process things I don’t understand. I do it with faith.
Faith in a design that was conceived long before I was, in the patterns and undulations of the natural world and in the evidence I have of my own life and about how these things have served me before.
I no longer believe in right and wrong.
I believe in information and in learning. I don’t ever know where the information and learning will lead me, but I always know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that it serves its purpose. Because it always has, time and time again.
I type this, a bit more tired than I would have been if my daughter had slept through the night, but also more prepared for today than I would otherwise have been, because I had a chance to practice my keynote one more time and that - that might make all the difference.