Redefining Home

I just got back from seeing my sister in Denver this past weekend. In my last blog I talked about my finances being tight and needing to bring in some additional money with supplemental work* so spending money on a plane ticket could be argued as unwise. *(This is still a work in progress and I’m so excited to see how it turns out!)

My sister has two young boys. The last time I saw the oldest of the two was to celebrate his 1st birthday.  He turned 4 in October.  Kids, work and massive life changes had kept me away for far too long. I’d always dreamed of being able to raise my kids with my sister’s kids. To this day, my girls, ages 9 & 5, have only met one of their cousins and only once.

I’ve written before about being lonely. 2015 was the first Christmas I wasn’t going to have my girls on Christmas morning or the subsequent two days. With the heaviness of being away from family and without my kids during the holidays, I booked this trip as a counterbalance; the light at the end of my tunnel - a reunion with family to kick off my 2016.

It could have been the last $200 in my bank account and I would have spent it anyway.

On the day my flight took off I also launched my new Self Discovery Program. The first week of the journey is focused on the concept of “home”.

Here’s where these two things merge together for me: I knew that “home” to me was more of a feeling than any physical or geographic space. I didn’t really feel like I belonged in NH where I grew up. I never 100% fit in over the 3.5 years I spent in Maui, even with a Hawaiian name and after picking up the local accent (called pidgin).

I’ve been here in WA for 17 years. I don’t love it. It takes energy for me to live here.

When I was going through the motions of life instead of truly living, I would tell people that I didn’t realize I was missing something in my life until my younger sister was around.  

Because I am now poignantly aware of my life and how it feels, being with my sister was different. I know what the holes are now; I could feel them filling as I walked around her new home and hugged and kissed my nephews.

I felt the holes fill as I walked into my room for my stay and found a beautifully appointed space and bed-top tray full of exceptionally thoughtful gifts to help battle the dryness and cold of the Colorado weather and to allow me to indulge in my passions for journaling and doodling.

I felt them fill more when my hand was grabbed by my nephew and he showed me his room and shared his precious lizard. And more yet, when my sister arranged for a special day for the two of us in a nearby city with amazing food and a surprise hat-shop gift finished by a sushi dinner with the whole family.  It was filled even further when I was treated to breakfast and a Yoga class with a dear friend who lives a few minutes from my sister.

Three days was definitely not long enough, but it was enough for me to feel perfectly at home.

It took no time to settle into a beautiful and harmonious rhythm so that going to the airport felt strange. I walked out of security with the nagging feeling I was leaving something behind and then realized tearfully, it was my sister.

Sunday morning back in my own home, making breakfast, I actually went looking in the wrong spot for a slotted spoon - I was looking where it would have been at my sister’s house. I was struck in that moment by how quickly I’d immersed myself into her space.  That I could feel so sacred, special and at home in her house, that my own “home” became foreign and required readjustment.

This trip reignited my dream of raising my children with my sister’s and creating a close bond of cousins.

While life’s circumstances require that I have a residence in WA and my girls are with their Dad 50% of the time, it doesn’t required that I give up my dreams.

A woman I love and admire, Janette Casolary, wrote not too long about about having two opposite truths be able to exist simultaneously. She wrote “The magic is in the AND”.

My new AND is for homes in WA and CO and the funds to travel freely with my girls back and forth whenever an opportunity arises to do so.

I’ve proven I can run my business on the go; it was designed to be virtual so I can work from anywhere.

I’ve already proven that with focus and attention I can make my dreams come true.

I know plenty of people who have multiple homes in multiple locations.

Everything about this goal feels infinitely possible.

I may not yet be able to visualize exactly how it comes to reality but I know it will happen.  I have to take my girls back anyway; I left a piece of my heart behind and I know exactly where to find it.